‘From Kabir Singh’s obsession to Shankar’s petrol bombs’: 5 Bollywood-inspired ‘Toxic Tropes’ to avoid this Valentine’s Day

Here are the five categories of red flags you can avoid or dump this Valentine’s Day.

1. Rejection-averse Romeos

In cinema and in real life, not being able to hear or accept the word ‘no’ is a physical and mental impairment that several men are born with. While rejection can drive a person to work doubly hard to write that book, make that movie, or build that startup, being rejected in love is often perceived as a personal insult. When rejected by a woman, these men whip out many devices of coercion, like threats of violence or self-harm, turning to alcohol and drugs, emotional blackmail or pressure on the family. Kundan in Raanjhanaa actually says in the film that a man should stalk a woman wherever she goes and exhaust her until she accepts him. But Kundan ran because Rahul (Darr), Vijay (Anjaam), and, of course, Radhe (Tere Naam) walked. Not all men get violent, though. Some, like Ayaan in Ae Dil Hain Mushkil, nag the woman they love even as she battles for her life, while others, like Sunny (Sunny Sanskari Ki Tulsi Kumari), fake a relationship to make sure their ex doesn’t get married. If a man can’t accept rejection, he needs
a shrink, not a girlfriend.

2. Clueless about consent

These are men who believe that their interest in a woman implies her consent. Kabir in Kabir Singh spots Preeti entering college and decides she belongs to him. He repeatedly declares that she is his ‘bandi’ without ever asking her whether she reciprocates his feelings. This behaviour seems mild when compared to the fact that he tries to force a woman to have sex with him at knifepoint. Chulbul Pandey in Dabbang falls for Rajjo and threatens to slap her into accepting money from him. He then denies her the right to mourn for her father because she has to be happy at their wedding, a wedding she agrees to because he leaves her with no choice in the matter. Badri in Badrinath ki Dulhania obsessively stalks Vaidehi and even kidnaps her in his aggressive pursuit of her. Shankar in Tere Ishk Mein repeatedly issues threats of killing himself when Mukti explains to him clearly and coherently why she doesn’t think she can marry him. Not being able to respect a woman’s choice or her boundaries is not romantic, just wrong.

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3. Messiahs of masculinity

These are the charming gentlemen who wear their gender like an achievement or badge of honour or use it to justify their dodgy behaviour. Think Ranvijay Singh Balbir from Animal, who proudly calls himself an alpha, tells his wife she didn’t have to do much when they make love because of how she was positioned in the act, and proudly struts around naked to quite literally flaunting his masculinity. Gautam Mehra in Ek Villain Returns has such a fragile male ego that he makes a scene at his ex-girlfriend’s wedding and then fakes interest in a woman only to get even with her for a perceived insult. Vikram in Thappad slaps his wife in anger but refuses to apologise because he believes that as a man, he is entitled to make mistakes and expect forgiveness from his wife. Being a man is not an
achievement, being a good one is.

4. Criminal cuties

These are a special bunch who lie, cheat, murder, or indulge in violence in the path of love. In these situations, the woman is expected to either understand that the motive was love or rehabilitate the man with love instead of asking for police protection. Whether it was Ajay/Vicky from Baazigar who faked interest in a woman only to kill her and take revenge on her father, or Maddy in Rehnaa Hai Teere Dil Mein, who stalks Reena, lies to her, and impersonates her fiancé Rajiv, When he gets caught, he has the gall to tell Reena that having gained entry into her home, he could have done anything he wanted but didn’t. In other words, she should be thankful to him for not sexually assaulting her. Parma from Ishaqzaade takes revenge on Zoya by faking love, marrying her and then consummating their relationship, only to dump her minutes later, declaring that the whole ceremony was fake. Why these men expect empathy and not incarceration remains a mystery.

5. Patriarchal pookies

On the face of it, these men are not violent, aggressive or problematic. In fact, they can be charming, gentle and affectionate. But look closer, and you can see that behind the pookie exterior lies a fairly traditional man who likes ‘sanskaari’ women or women with more conventional qualities. Whether it’s Rahul from Kuch Kuch Hota Hain who falls for Anjali when she becomes more feminine and starts wearing saris, Vijay from Queen who wants to control his fiancee’s career options and behavior, Gautam Kapoor from Cocktail who enjoys a casual relationship with Veronica but falls in love with the more ‘homely’ Meera, or good old Prem who likes his woman with a side of halwa. These men are the tricky to spot, but if a man ever makes you feel like your dreams are less important than his, or that you need to change your wardrobe to expect commitment, he is best left to enjoy his halwa solo.

As someone wisely said, wealth does not change our personalities but only highlights the best or worst in us. Perhaps love too magnifies our flaws, our beliefs, our childhood traumas and our conditioning. In most patriarchal societies, that conditioning also includes growing up with certain ideas of what it means to be a man or woman in a relationship and learning that there are different benchmarks for acceptable behaviour for men and women. Mard ko dard nahin hota (real men don’t feel pain) was once an iconic line, but the truth is mard dard nahin deta (real men don’t cause pain). So, choose wisely, because true love has romance, respect and zero tolerance for red flag
behaviour. Happy Valentine’s Day!!