‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’: A Vicarious Summary

I have a lot of thoughts about Spider-Man: Brand New Day.

marvel/sony

Consider this MCU obsessive blessed. Despite the devastation of the Wonder Man news, Destin Daniel Cretton must take all the bows because with Spider-Man: Brand New Day, he has done what no man could do for years — inspire a feeling. About Marvel, I mean.

For the longest time, since Avengers: Endgame and WandaVision, really, very little about the Marvel Cinematic Universe has surprised me. Sure, Loki tried. There was that one moment of shock when Falcon And Winter Soldier went the graphic violence route. Thunderbolts probably got the closest to impressing me before the Marvel of it all jolted me right out again.

But Spidey, dear Spidey. There might be critics saying Tom Holland is too old to keep playing the characters he does, and to them I say: until you find someone else who inspires such inexplicable affection, for a man in a spandex suit, you will pry the Holland Spider-Man out of my cold, webshooting hands.

The very insightful Erik Kain has already laid out in detail about why Spider-Man: Brand New Day is the best MCU film in years, so I will not attempt to supersede him.

What follows will be a real time experiencing of the film — and the stacked cheeseboard of ensuing feelings — like we’re watching together. I have fixed several typos (the dark and my tears conspired against me) but nothing else; if you weren’t planning to watch the film but wanted a vicarious summary of Spider-Man: Brand New Day, or watched the film by yourself without a (knowledgeable critic) friend giving running commentary right next to you, this is your day.

What To Know Before ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’

Quick recap of the events so far: Peter Parker (Tom Holland) is now all by himself in this world after the events of his last movie.

No amount of (spoiler) meeting Andrew Garfield and Tobey Maguire in their Spidey suits can make up for the fact that in the previous instalment, Peter had to add Aunt May (Marisa Tomei) to his list of dear departed parental figures, and even worse, in an attempt to keep them safe, asked Doctor Strange for a spell wiping everybody’s memories of Spider-Man.

That’s everybody, incuding the love of his life Ned Leeds (Jacob Batalon) and his best friend MJ (Zendaya). I might have gotten those last two switched around.

So going into this movie, Peter has no May, no Mr. Stark, no MJ, Ned, or even a consolatory Happy Hogan. He has himself and he has Spider-Man.

Needless to say, the following commentary contains spoilers for Spider-Man: Brand New Day.

The Absolute State Of Peter Parker

6:50 PM — Character specific Marvel intros are back! And the slow, sad Marvel piano accompanying it? Ok D D Cretton, I fear I might not make it through this.

Nothing will crack my heart open as much as the Chadwick tribute in Black Panther 2, but this montage of Peter's old life might come pretty close actually.

6:51 PM — Hey, it's Peterrrr, can you believe it's been five years since his last movie? Yeah, okay, Tom Holland has had a mile-high slate and a non-alcoholic beer company and a whole wedding in between, whatever.

Wait, he's writing a letter! He's writing THEE letter! And staring longingly at that coffee cup! Yearners, we are so back.

6:52 PM — Awww, he’s stalking Ned's MIT stories! But that's okay, because they used to be best friends, you hear? They were supposed to be there together! I predict the FOMO will be hard with this one.

Do we still say FOMO as a society?

Ah, I see we're differentiating between Spider-Man and Peter Parker's ultimate end goals. One's (great) responsibility is one's heartbreak. This is Peter we’re talking about, don’t forget. The MCU has decided he is to have no happiness in life.

6:53 PM — Yes, back to webslinging Spidey shenanigans!

Wait, May’s gravestone says 1964-2024? NO WAY was Aunt May SIXTY years old. No WAY. Marvel, the lies you lie.

(I looked it up later and Marisa Tomei is 61, so what do I know.)

HAHAHAH someone’s trying to hit on Peter. Girl, I am so sorry but this man is devoted to a girl who has no idea he exists, so. Get in line with the rest of us. Also he's part spider.

6:54 PM— Ned and MJ in sophomore year now! Aww, Peter. Time really does fly when everyone’s forgotten who you are. Also I love Ned, but his goatee must depart this franchise ASAP.

I see Peter has basically teamed up with the NYPD and Liza Colón-Sayas. Not mad at this development, although I doubt she knows anything else about him.

6:55 PM — Oof, the image of him battered and bruised sunk down next to the Spidey mask spinning around in a washing machine is just… Semiotics, innit.

Heavens, it's been four years. They're done with college and everything. Does that mean no more vlogs for Peter to stalk? Four years with no friends and no therapist is unimaginable, I must say.

6:57 PM — Is anybody surprised that Peter gravitated to another mother figure after May? Yes, Liza Colón-Sayas, tell Peter to get a life! He needs to live! Okay never mind he's chasing behind an armoured truck now.

7:00 PM — Eyyy, it's that Frank guy! From the other thing! Just kidding, I know who Menelaus is.

7:02 PM — GASP. The evil genius ramming this behemoth into a prison is a sweet old lady? Wait no, it's a possessed sweet old lady. Ohhh, this is so creepy the possession is jumping humans! Nooo, the Scorpion is getting away!

That random guard almost jumped off a BUILDING because of this invisible mind control person. Show yourself, villain! Do you have red hair? Love Kate Bush music, perhaps?

Aha, can't infiltrate Peter's mind, can ya? Iron trap, that one. There's no more space in there, only Zendaya, I'm afraid. Ask the elevator girl, poor thing.

7:06 PM — Okay, he's going to see Someone about all this, which of course means an Avenger because he has no other someones. Cumberbatch? Nah, not again, I don't think. Then who?

The Going Gets Tough

7:07 PM — I’d know that Russian accent anywhere. YELENAAAA! Yelena is back! Her office is a steaming bathhouse where everyone has to take their clothes off because of course it is. Never change, Yelena.

7:10 PM — Oh hey, it’s Tramell Tillman in an office role again.

Oh my gosh, his office has enhanced ninjas!? Red is really the coolest color they could’ve chosen, I see so much freeze frame potential.

7:11 PM — Ohhh incheresting, the Department of Damage Control is using the evil weapons for themselves because they’re using it ‘for good’. That’s a philosophical conundrum. Marvel really does love shading an Establishment whenever they can.

7:15 PM — Awww look at Peter eating by himself with his sad little flowers.

It makes very much sense to me that Ned is an energy juice addict. Nooo, Peter don’t follow him, you’re going to see MJ and the guy from the trailer!

7:17 PM — LOOK AT PETER’S LITERAL HEART EYES FOR MJ

Ayy, his excuse is that he’s a friendly neighbor, I get that reference. It’s such a niche one but I got it.

7:19 PM — The irony of MJ not wanting to work for a soulless corporation when this is a Marvel movie…

No shade to this new man, but I am physically cringing at her kissing someone else. I swear the circles under Peter’s eyes got darker at that.

7:21 PM — Yes, Peter, I too would jump off a tall building in this situation.

I too would trigger a visceral mutating reaction in my very biology.

One Part Spider, Zero Parts Happy

7:23 PM — Is the spiderweb cocoon not giving Frodo in Shelob's lair?

Wait, so his webs aren’t shooting? Is he just Man now? Because I would agree, Tom Holland is Man.

So Spider-Man is turning into an unrecognizable version of himself because of workplace burnout. Spiderpeople, they’re just like us.

7:28 PM — Okay, so he’s enhanced enhanced now. We actually never got to see Tom Holland’s Spidey learn to be Spidey, so I appreciate this nice little peek into what that would have looked like.

Yikes, the completely black eyes might take some getting used to.

7:29 PM — Is that… BAD BUNNY I hear? Another win for this soundtrack.

Oh no, the Scorpion is at it again. Okay, villain-Scorpion, asking Peter if he knows who he is right now is NOT very nice of you. He just accidentally almost killed a lady.

7:32 PM — Hey, it’s Professor Banner! What if you’re trying to control the expression of something that needs to be expressed, says Mark Ruffalo. Criminal that he wasn't part of the press tour, by the way.

7:37 PM — Tom Holland's disgusted face is a thing of art. If I was capable of making that face I would also use it specifically for videos of spiders molting.

Curled Up In My Seat Right Now

7:40 PM — Naur, villain person FOUND THE LETTER. They really give the concept of a faceless villain a whole new dimension. If anything, they have all the faces. A faceful villain.

There are so many unknown actors with lines in this movie solely because of this concept, though. Yay for your IMDb credits, you guys! All of them really sold me on the horror of the situation.

7:43 PM — Awww Peter has an excuse to break into MJ’s apartment now.

Look at them, they’re swinging on webs together over NYC! Just like old times! I am a girl who is going to be okay.

7:45 PM — Hold on, MJ knows they knew each other! Why is she speaking in past tense though?

Wait, what if the Evil possesses her also? She’s UNMASKING HIM! THEY’RE KISSING! This is too good to be true. It’s the bad guy isn't it.

7:47 PM — You don’t understand, I am curled up in my seat right now. There is an imprint on the back of the chair.

7:47 PM — Noooo the cruelty!

Is she going to JUMP? What is with MJs and jumping off buildings?? Is she going to DIE? IS THIS WHY SHE WORE BLACK FOR THE PRESS TOUR??

7:48 PM — MY JAW IS ON THE FLOOR

THE AUDACITY! The EXACT framing of this scene!!

Oh, I hated that entire sequence very much.

7:49 PM — LOOK, THE EVIL IS SADIE SINK! SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL! Also, she’s Jean Grey! Welcome to the MCU timeline, another X person.

How Dare You How Dare You How Dare You

7:52 PM — MJ, you’ve barely escaped with your life, please stop rooting around the trigger-happy man’s personal possessions.

7:55 PM — Oooh she’s sharing boyfriend troubles with you, ok you have an in Peter!

The smile on his face when he talks about a Mrs, oh I see you, Mr Zendaya.

Also, is this a safe space to say I think MJ is kind of boring in this movie just as a person?

8:16 PM — Jean, honey it was a great shot but if you’re looking for a V-Max it’s unlikely there’s a highly secure file with that exact name. Oh hey, Max! Like from Hawkins! Very late to that realization.

8:18 PM — Whelp, it’s Savage Hulk. No fear, Frank is here to help! And not a moment too soon for Telemachus over here.

8:19 PM — Whoa, that flying shot with the three of them is so well composed. The action sequences in this film aren’t overpowering, but they are masterfully choreographed.

8:26 PM — There you go, saved from the Hulk by the power of friendship. Run back to safety, young Peter.

8:28 PM — Okay, so the director is very clearly lying, right? There’s no way the Establishment is letting Jean Grey talk.

8:29 PM — THE AUDIBLE GASPS.

MJ READ THE LETTER!?!?

8:31 PM — Oh, Peter, the survivor’s guilt. You must see a therapist yesterday. It should be mandatorily required for Avenger training.

8:31 PM — The CONFESSION OH NOOOO! HE SAID THE I LOVE YOU HE’S BEEN WAITING TO SAY!

The way the theatre is pin-drop silent right now. Wait no, it isn't because it's filled with the sounds of my heart breaking into a million pieces.

This is The Vow all over again, isn’t it? This is Gamora and Peter Quill. The curse of the Peters is to be alone and romantically unloved.

8:33 PM — I think MJ’s hesitation is fair though; that's the logical explanation to what would happen in this situation. But then again, THIS IS A MAN WHO IS A SPIDER SO NOW IS WHERE YOU ENFORCE LOGIC?

How dare you undercut that scene with a joke. How dare you. And the swinging back home in complete silence? How dare you.

8:36 PM — At least we have a Ned reunion (over Lego!!) to tide us over in this difficult time. And yes, Peter, yes to the apologizing for the kissing while she wasn’t herself! It’s a bare minimum detail, honestly, but I fear I wouldn’t even have noticed if it wasn’t there. I do hope parents everywhere explain to their children why this was important to do.

8:40 PM — We're happy the sad man has friends too, Yelena! Also, I told you the director was lying.

8:41 PM — Finally some Jean Grey backstory. Another specially modified redhead-blonde sister duo? Yelena must know of this.

8:47 PM — Grateful for her sacrifice? HER SISTER IS DEAD??? Oh, Tramell Tillman’s character, I deeply dislike you.

8:50 PM — Sadie Sink playing possessed by forces beyond her control again, this movie must have been a breeze for her.

Ohhh stop, V Max is the vent her sister saw in her torture!? Darker and darker.

8:53 PM — The ninjas were really just aesthetic decoration, huh? No wait, she's gonna use them.

YES, THAT IS SO COOL!! Red pops so much in 3D, I love it. I love the colors, the camera work, the head ninja’s eyeliner, all of it. Favorite action sequence so far.

8:55 PM — Wow, the Department had an anti-Spiderman weapons strategies ready? Every day the MCU inches closer to The Boys.

8:57 PM — He’s going to turn Shelob, isn’t he? Express what needs to be expressed.

Well, I need to express that this movie is incredible and the my favourite MCU one in years.

8:59 PM — Are you Peter Parker or are you Spider-Man, she asks. That’s been the film’s primary question the whole time. He’s probably going to say something like, “Jokes on you, Sadie Sink, I’m both!”

8:59 PM — What did I tell you?

The Tough Get Going

9:00 PM— THESE WEBS ARE SO COOL

9:01 PM — Frank what are you doing with your gun AGAIN?

My conspiracy theory is that Frank is funded by the NRA, which would partly explain why he hates himself.

9:02 PM — Ooooh, he lets her into his mind ok smart strategy. Probably another file from Peter’s plethora of devastating memories.

This specific recurring memory is reminding me of the ones from The Void.

9:03 PM — Special people are really lonely? Yes, Marisa Tomei, I been knew that.

Why is my soul warmed by this heart-to-heart with someone who prompted several falls off several buildings?

9:07 PM — NO HELLO NOT THE BLOOD ON THE HAND TRICK? OLD AS TIME AND I FELL FOR IT.

See, I know he's coming back for another one so I'm not worried. You can’t get me with your fakeouts, Marvel. Was he in the Doomsday trailer? No he WASN'T. But there’s no way he's dying, he's making them so much money.

No, Peter, don’t die! Mamdani is mayor, Peter! You can’t leave without experiencing Mamdanistan!

Oh wow, Jean Grey was literally breathing for Peter. In case the message isn’t clear, kindness to the telepath that almost forced the love of your life plunge to her death always comes back to you.

9:12 PM — Haha, Frank you old prankster. Yes, go into the crowd, Tommy. Take in your city’s love for you. Find Jhandeya.

Never mind, she’s not there. Probably off filming one of her gazillion movies coming out this year.

9:17 PM — Nooo Ned he’s not flower guy, he’s your bestie! He's your Peter! Yes, that Peter! HALLELUJAH, THE MUSCLE MEMORY!

After all this time, all we needed was true love’s handshake.

MJ would approve.

9:27 PM — All the claps for you, Spider-Man: Brand New Day. Five claps out of five.